The Job Interview

So yesterday, I had a job interview with a large bank. I guess you could call it an interview. It was more “Let’s sit around a table and share stories of our work experience while the recruiter looks down her pointy nose at us.” There were quite a few people there but I don’t remember a single person’s name. So I gave them names. Clockwise around the table we had: Sarcastic Interview Lady, Smug Barista Girl, Sports Guy, Me, Lady Who Speaks Farsi, Over-eager Fiji Water Drinker, Troll, Naive Ohio Wife, and Scary Manager Lady.

Smug Barista Girl was my least favorite person there. She was trying really hard to make herself sound good, but was doing an awful job of it. When she was asked when she believed she provided her most amazing customer service, she replied with “Well I always do that, so I don’t have one story.” Her tone alone left me to question her honesty. During the next question about her most professional accomplishment she said that it was selling pounds of coffee at the GIANT coffee conglomerate where she works. When asked about her sales goal she said it was “20 pounds a week for the store.” When she was asked how much she contributed to that goal she mumbled a bit, stumbled a few times before getting her answer out, and blurted with “Like, 60%.” The Sarcastic Interview Lady had a small little sarcastic smile on her face and nodded.

Sports Guy sat next to me. He was from Oregon. We had the same area code in our phone numbers. We didn’t exchange words, but we bonded over that one fact. He was pretty good.

There was me. We’ll skip me.

Then the Lady Who Spoke Farsi. Now I have named a town in a short story that I wrote called Farsi. I was unaware it was a language and I am too lazy to google where they speak it. She seemed like a nice lady.

Over-eager Fiji Water Drinker. This girl was funny. She couldn’t go five minutes without taking a drink from her Fiji water. When the first one ran out, she pulled another one out of her bag. I’m not talking about the tiny Fiji bottles either, these are the giant Fiji waters, and she had a tiny purse. She was asked to list two of her best traits: “Good Listener, Good Communicator, and Very Motivated.” (That isn’t a typo.)

Troll was next. He showed up late. He didn’t know what the word “resides” meant. He didn’t know what “accomplishment” meant. Troll was a slow kind of guy.

Naive Ohio Wife moved here from Ohio. I don’t think she has ever worked a day in her life. She wore clothes that you would wear to a formal dinner to a job interview. When they asked about her work experience she said that she hadn’t ever worked and didn’t need too, that her husband was some big shot. She was getting a job to see “What it was all about.”

So those are the people that I interviewed with. I’ll know by next Friday if they are advancing me in the interview process. So fingers crossed. Well, not really. Because if I cross my fingers it’s hard to type. But you know what I mean.


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