So, I’ve discovered recently that I seem to love every single food I eat. I only noticed it when my grandmother mentioned it a few days ago. She said “Well, tonight we are going to have sauerkraut and polish sausage.” I responded “Oh I love sauerkraut, it’s one of my favorite foods!” She kinda gave me this look that I took as ‘Really?’ and said “Kas, you say every food is your favorite food.”
This made me think. Because I don’t think I say that about every food. I certainly don’t say that about Mayonnaise. I hate that stuff, unless it’s in tuna fish. Or swiss cheese, unless it’s melted on a Reuben. Bananas I like if there is ice cream surrounding it.
I’m going through my food index right now trying to think of a food that I do not like and that I don’t like with anything else. I mean, Greek Yogurt would be an option, but I have never tried it with anything (like fruit and whatnot). I can’t say that I don’t like spinach, because I do, as long as it isn’t cooked. I could say sweet potatoes, but I like sweet potato fries. See, this is difficult.
Squash. It is the only food I can say that I don’t like, and I don’t like it with anything else. Unless you count pumpkin pie. But I’m not going to count pumpkin pie. I don’t exactly love it, it is good, but it is more of Bryant’s favorite pie. So we have discovered something that I do not like. Squash. Maybe one day I will find a dish that I like with squash in it, but until then it is the only food I can think of.
So, the title says that this is a story of acceptance. In a way it is and I am getting to that, so thank you for sticking with me.
I have never been a small person. Not in height, not in personality, and certainly not in weight. I am the kid that could have played basketball because of how tall I was. I never played basketball, I just don’t care for it. Being taller than everyone else never played into my favor. I was made fun of a lot. It effected every aspect of my life. I didn’t have many friends, I had three grade school friends as a constant (Erica, Josh, and Ben) and in Middle School I met Dee and Arika. Soon, Josh moved and Ben was in a different grade team than I was on. We still saw each other but it was mostly at football games and lunch. Then Erica left our group, and joined who I have determined to call “Them”. “Them” were people who made fun of your size, the clothes you wore, they way you talked. “Them” made me hate myself and everything about me. I ate to comfort myself and then I would hate myself for eating, because it would never fix the problem. I would go out in the summer, but avoid popular places. I hung out with the same people until I left in the eighth grade. I thought this would a turning point in my life, I was starting a new school where no one knew me and it was going to be different.
BUT! It wasn’t. I felt the capital letters there would break up the somber mood I wasn’t going for. But I like said this is a story of acceptance. The rest of my junior high year sucked as well. High school got better, the reason being, because I stopped giving a fuck (Mum, I apologise for my use of crass language). It’s true really, I did what I wanted, listened to what I wanted and plain stopped caring about other people. The only person who could decide what I was going to be me, was me.
I developed a cover for the raw, broken, and insecure girl that I had been. The cover I developed kept her safe and made me appear to be a strong and confident person. The cover didn’t care if people didn’t like me, if people talked about me. And I grew comfortable with it. It’s different when you see other people do something, and it looks so easy. It’s easier to do something when you see yourself do it.
I know that doesn’t make a lot of sense. But to me it does. I was able to observe myself doing things. I like to say that I live in both the first and third person. I watch myself do things while I’m doing them so that I know I can do them. That’s the easiest way I can say it. It helped me grow as a person and I am happy with it.
This process helped me understand that it doesn’t matter how much I weigh, how tall I am, or how much I eat that I am just damn fine the way I am. Sure I may be on the heavier side, so what. I think I just needed more room for the awesome.
I still struggle with myself time to time. But I’m the only one who is allowed to put me there. The world is not my oyster, because then everything would smell awful. I have all I need. 🙂